Monday, February 13, 2012

Quotable Quotes: Joker in the Deck

This is the first installment of Quotable Quotes, words of wisdom spoken by your favorite "Mass Effect" characters! First up, we stick entirely with one character, Normandy Pilot Jeff 'Joker' Moreau. Voiced by Seth Green, Joker doesn't hold back when expressing his views...

"Man, what I wouldn't give to go planetside. Wading through muck, getting shot in the face. Man, that is the life."

"Boy, am I glad to be off Noveria. I don't know which was worse, the cold or the corporations. One will freeze your balls off, the other will sell them out from under you."

"Ah, the great endless expanse of space. Creeps the hell out of me."

(As Shepard, Joker and the crew set out in the new Normandy:)
"Can you believe this, Commander? It's my baby, better than new! Fits me like a glove! And leather seats! Military may set the hardware standard, but on a first-gen frigate they could care less if the seats breathe. Civilian sector comfort by design."
EDI: "The reproduction is not intended to be perfect, Mister Moreau. Seamless improvements were made."
Joker: "And there's the downside. I liked the Normandy when she was beautiful and quiet. Now she's got this thing I don't want to talk about. It's like ship cancer."
Shepard: "Enjoy it, Joker. If we're stuck here, we might as well let them pamper us."
Joker: "Ah, does it breach uniform regs if I get that on a crew shirt? Because this is my favorite 'You have no choice!' choice ever."
Shepard: "Technically this is a civilian ship. I'm probably lucky you're still wearing pants."
Joker: "Yeah, I'll save that for the off-hour cameras. Having an A.I. watch me 24/7? Jerks."

(After recruiting Jack and bringing her aboard:)
"Okay, Shepard, glad you're back, but keep an eye on that last one. We can only hold so much crazy."

"Uh hey, Commander, next time we touch down let's try not to park the ship in a colony of mutant zombies? Just thinking out loud here."

"You know what I could go for right now? A hamburger. Not vat-grown. An honest-to-god dead cow. With horseradish."

Shepard: "I assume everything's going well up here?"
Joker: "I really want the chance to put the [new] Normandy through her paces. I just have to trim off the drive output and it'll be like we never lost her."
EDI: "Safety standards advise against manipulating drive settings while engines are powered and in use, Mister Moreau."
Joker: "Commander, can we shut this thing off? I don't need it in my day-to-day."
Shepard: "If you don't want to hear it, turn the damn sound off."
Joker: "Well, that doesn't change anything, it's still watching. Like some creepy kid staring at the back of your head in Comp-Sci, and you just wanna punch him but he's special and he sets fires or something. Okay, a little too far there, but you know what I mean!"
Shepard: "Your problem, not mine."
Joker: "Thanks, I'll remember this!"

"Oh, another dangerous alien aboard, Commander. Thanks. Why can't you collect coins or commemorative plates or something?"

"You know what I hate about deep space? Crap radio stations from two centuries back. My gosh, we were idiots."

"Why's it always claws and guns? Can't we piss off a fuzzy planet? Still dangerous, but hey, bunnies."

Shepard: "I assume everything's going well up here?"
Joker: "Shh!-Shh!-Shh!-Shh!-Shh!"
Shepard: "Joker?"
Joker: "I can tell...when it's listening."
EDI: "I am always listening, Mister Moreau."
Joker: "I KNOW!"

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